Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
