I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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