So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
