Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
