for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
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i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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