Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
