She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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