i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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