I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
