were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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