we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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