too bad you live with your parents still
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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