Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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