My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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