I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I lost the right to judge tonight
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
