I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
