Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
