she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
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Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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