I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.