Cold hands, warm shart.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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