some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
