worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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