if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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