Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
