They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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