after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
