Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
