the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
