Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
