Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
