Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
