i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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