That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
