i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I need moral support for this bender
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
