Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
