I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
