shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
