You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
