dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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