The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I could fuck to npr.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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