No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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