Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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