I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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