My liver just broke up with me...
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
