Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
