you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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