I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
