If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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