dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
