Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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