We're like a lot better than the average bears
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
