you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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