good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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