she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
