: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
