afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
