i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
